Waiting for God
by Mr Twyst
Summary: Castiel has finally worked out how to find God using an ancient and arcane technique – go outside and shout. R&R please.
1. Chapter 1

(_AUTHOR'S NOTE_) I don't own Supernatural or any of its characters. In fact, I've only ever seen the first half of the first episode (although I intend to get the DVDs), so I'm sorry if I get some of the mythology wrong. Finally, note that this story would take place at the end of season 5. (_END NOTE_)

Mt Everest. The roof of the world, and the only place on Earth where demons could commune with the him. That's him with a capital H, of course. It was why Castiel had brought them both here to try and finally stop Lucifer.

"It's fucking freezing up here," Dean moaned, pulling his jacket tighter. Sam rolled his eyes, but Dean was right. Even with the enchanted amulets Castiel had given them to protect them from the cold and lack of oxygen, it was still freezing.

He glanced towards Castiel. The angel was in the same position that he had been for the last two hours, standing right at the summit of the mountain, face turned towards the sky, humming.

Did God respond to humming? Sam wondered. The answer was probably no. God didn't even respond when Dean took His name in vain with such vehemence that would make Gordon Ramsay blush. They may as well have fried some pancakes, hoping that would draw God down, for all the good Castiel's humming was doing.

Then, abruptly, the angel opened his eyes and looked at them.

"It's no good," he said, "I just can't find him."

"What exactly are you doing?" Dean asked.

"Communing telepathically," Castiel said, calmly as usual, "Searching for Him on a psychic level and hoping he will answer."

"The equivalent of shouting," Sam told his brother.

Dean sighed. "Do you're just standing here going 'Yoo-hoo! Jehovah! It's me! The angel who's been ostracised from heaven! Can you hear me? Well, I know you can hear me, because of the omniscience thing, which is a lot quicker than broadband isn't it?"

"Do you have any better ideas?" Sam asked, "Lucifer's taken over the White House and has started turning Mormons into an armed militia. We don't have many options left."

"Well," Dean said, "someone once told me that if all else fails, resort to provocation."

"Are you serious?" Sam asked his brother, "You want to insult God and hope he'll come running? Hasn't that been done enough already?"

Castiel shrugged. "Worth a try." He turned back to the abyss below the peak, and spoke, his voice magically amplified to sound so loud, Sam didn't think God could avoid hearing it.

"MOSES," the angel said, "WAS A PANSY."

Nothing.

Dean shook his head, "Too tame, Cas. Let me have a go."

Castiel sighed, and waved a hand at Dean's enchanted amulet. Dean walked to the edge of the peak and spoke, his voice amplified like Castiel's.

"YOU ONLY PICKED THE JEWS AS YOUR CHOSEN PEOPLE BECAUSE THE WELSH TURNED YOU DOWN."

Nothing. Dean glanced at Castiel, then had another go.

"JESUS HAD IT COMING?"

Still nothing.

"RICHARD DAWKINS IS BRILLIANT?"

Thunder. Lightning. Fire.

"Jackpot," Sam said.

The clouds parted, and a huge ball of fire came streaking down towards them. Sam glanced at Castiel, alarmed – to see the angel smiling.

"It's the Flamemobile," he said, "The chariot of fire, driven by the all-powerful, the all-knowing… ah."

The figure seated in the chariot was not God.

"Hello Castiel," he said, "Long time no see. What can I do for you?"

"Hang on," Dean said, "You're not God!"

"Of course," said the figure, slightly annoyed, "I am an angel."

"Yeah," Dean muttered, "I saw a bloke with golden hair and wings and I thought 'either it's an angel, or it's just escaped from a laboratory.'"

"Well if you're going to be like that about it I'll go," said the angel.

"Wait, wait!" Castiel said, "Sam, Dean, this is not just any angel, you know. He's God's left hand, the most famous of all angels, the one who told Mary she was with child."

"You mean…" Sam said, surprised.

"Yep," Castiel said, "You are looking at the Angel Graham."

"Graham?" Sam said, "Don't you mean Gabriel?"

"Silence, mortal," said the Angel Graham in a voice that could move mountains, and Sam was silent. "I am the Angel Graham, and this is my support team: the Angel Derek, and the Angel Steve."

"Hi," said the Angel Derek.

"Hi," said the Angel Steve.

"So," said the Angel Graham, "Castiel."

"So," said Castiel, "Graham."

"Sorry," Sam interrupted Castiel, "I thought he was the angel _Gabriel_, not Graham."

"No," Castiel said, "that was a typo. The scribe who wrote up the nativity couldn't read his own notes, and by the time he realised his mistake he would have had to rewrite all the scrolls. Unfortunate, wasn't it Graham?"

"Yes," said the Angel Graham bitterly. "Yes it was."

"Because it meant all mortals came to know you as Gabriel, which is a bit of a nancy-boy's name, isn't it?"

"Yes." A glare from the Angel Graham silenced the giggling Angels Derek and Steve.

"Did the biblical scribes make any other mistakes then?" Dean asked.

"They certainly did," said the Angel Graham, "For example the Third Commandment should have read 'Thou shalt not invade the Lebanon.' Although if you ask me it was a deliberate mistake. Just like the location of the Promised Land – that was supposed to be in Belgium, until some Hebrew got conveniently mistranslated."

"If we could stay on topic," Sam interrupted.

"But what about their glow," Dean asked, obviously being facetious, "Is it like the chemical luminescence you get in some fish species?"

"Ignore him," Castiel said, "Look, Graham, we were hoping you could get us an appointment with the almighty, since you're his PA."

"No can do, Castiel. Sorry," said the Angel Graham, sounding anything but sorry, "He's taken a sabbatical. It's where he's been for the last two centuries."

"A sabbatical?" Castiel said.

"Yes," said the Angel Graham, "He says He's fed up with being at everyone's beck and call. Says He wants some more 'me time'."

"What the hell is he gonna do with this sabbatical?" Dean demanded.

"I'm not sure. He said He might have a go at writing children's stories. Is this going to take much longer? Only St Peter's organising a barbecue."

"Look," Castiel said, "I spoke to two angels who claimed they'd been appointed as Earth's managers, but they didn't say anything about this sabbatical."

"Ah, those two," said the Angel Graham, "They were a bit over-promoted."

"I didn't take to them," Castiel said.

"You stuck their name badges up their arses," said the Angel Graham, glaring at Castiel.

"Well I've never been one for formal complaints procedures," said Castiel, "They're so slow, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are," said a voice from behind them, a voice which made Sam's blood ran cold.

"Ah," said the Angel Graham, "I was wondering when you'd turn up. I've had to keep this lot talking for ages."

Sam turned.

"Hello," said Lucifer.

(_AUTHOR'S NOTE_) Hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter (this is quite a short story) should come as soon as I've had time to write it. Thanks for reading. (_END NOTE_)


	2. Chapter 2

(_AUTHOR'S NOTE_) So here's chapter 2, and Lucifer is menacing the brothers. What I wanted to do with Lucifer is show just how depraved and sick an individual he is. I hope I've got it right. (_END NOTE_)

"Well Lucifer," said the Angel Graham, "I'd better get going or St Peter will be wondering where I am – I'm supposed to be doling out the drinks. I trust you will kill these three?"

"I can't promise much," Lucifer said, "Since I need some leverage to get my vessel."

"Well just keep them occupied while the almighty does the karaoke. If He knew what was going on, He'd have a fit. Especially as He thinks we've all been looking after his creation while he was away."

"Yes, Angel Graham," said Lucifer as the flamemobile spun away into the sky and rocketed back to Heaven.

There was a brief pause.

"Feathery git," Lucifer said.

There was another silence, only longer, as Lucifer and several demons watched Sam, Dean and Castiel with glinting eyes.

"Is God back in heaven, then?" Castiel asked.

"I'm afraid so," Lucifer said, "St Peter's barbecues are legendary. Not even a sabbatical could stop the Almighty from doing His Atomic Kitten impression. I don't believe you've met my new personal assistant," he said, changing the subject, "This is one of my most evil and venomous demons: Gary."

"Nice to meet you," said Gary.

"Now," Lucifer interrupted, "We must dispense with the pleasantries – I need my vessel, and considering just how tenacious you three have been, I think torture is the best option."

"Why is it always torture with you?" Dean demanded.

"You've got a complaint?" Lucifer asked, looking sideways at the former occupant of hell.

"Yes I–"

"Yes you have – I've just used my demonic powers to give you an STD."

Dean glanced down, and realised it was true. "Oh shit."

Castiel sighed, "He's got a point, though. All this violence is just demeaning yourself."

"I'm not demeaning myself," Lucifer snapped, "I'm demeaning Dean. Try and keep up."

Castiel shook his head, "You demean yourself when you persecute him – or any human. And I wonder why that is. Shame for the rebellion? Or because you secretly want to be him?"

Lucifer shook his head, "I think you're going to have a little trouble developing this thesis of yours, Castiel. Partly because it's based on some rather shaky intellectual assumptions, and you're probably just trying to distract me, but mostly because I've just turned you into a bluebottle."

"_Buzz-buzz-buzz!_" said the now-insectoid Castiel, flying around the mountaintop.

"Yes," Lucifer said, "I know that's a pretty cheap way to win an argument but hey, that's just the way I am."

He turned back to Sam and Dean, the latter of whom looked very annoyed and upset.

"Now, Sam, I think we need to know where we stand here. I want you to consent to be my vessel. In return, your brother will not suffer a series of painful and humiliating punishments created by myself and administered by Gary here. What do you say?"

"Go fuck yourself," Sam replied.

"Oh dear," Lucifer said, "What do you think we should start with Gary? A bushfire?"

"Not the most original," Gary said, "but good enough."

"Bushfire?" Sam ventured nervously.

Lucifer grinned wickedly, "Allow me to demonstrate on Dean, by making a bonfire of his groin. It'll be just like fireworks night – only a lot louder. We could toast marshmallows and everything!"

Dean abruptly began screaming, and running around the summit, smoke pouring out of his jeans.

"_Buzz-buzz-buzz!_" Castiel said.

"Shut up," Lucifer said, "Or I'll fetch the biggest rolled-up newspaper you've ever seen. Now, Sam, this is just one of the many and varied punishments and tortures I could, and will, inflict on your brother, until you agree to be my vessel."

Sam glanced at Dean, who was attempting to smother the flames by shoving snow down his trousers.

He gritted his teeth and looked directly into Lucifer's eyes.

"Go fuck yourself," he said again.

Lucifer sighed, "I can see we'll have a hard time breaking this one, Gary. Do you think I should bring a few of the monster-demon animals up from my domain? Or just scoop out the top of Dean's head and tell the demons he's a new toilet?"

"Very good, my prince!" Gary cackled.

"Or perhaps I could just hatch some more hornets in his boxers."

"Perhaps the hornets first, then the animals and the toilet. They get progressively more humiliating."

"Indeed," said Lucifer, and waved a hand. Dean began screaming in a whole new way, as a loud buzzing noise joined the crackle of flames.

The demons spent the nest five minutes standing there, listening to Dean scream, and – in Lucifer's case – grinning.

Then he waved a hand and the screaming stopped, Dean collapsing into the snow, breathing heavily.

"Now, Dean," said Lucifer, "Do you remember some of the creatures you met whilst in my domain? In fact, you met most of them."

Dean's expression said that he had.

"Cerberus, the three-headed dog," Lucifer said, counting the demon animals on his fingers, "the massive robot weasel with the tungsten teeth, the sixty-foot tall sabre-toothed tiger, the sixty-foot tall sabre-toothed tiger's dad, the giant atomic gorilla – the one with the massive jaws and the sense of grievance, the multi-tentacled land-squid that squirts laxative ink, Lily Allen, and of course the deranged super-lobster with the irrational–"

"Hatred of nipples," Dean completed with a pained look on his face, "Yeah, I've met them."

"Yeah, you've met them all," Lucifer said, "sometimes all at once. But mostly Cerberus the hellhound. He's my favourite – where is he, Gary? I haven't seen him for a while."

"Last time I saw him, sire, was in the pit of Korean chefs."

"Oh good – he likes it there," Lucifer turned back to Dean, "Well, it seems Cerberus isn't going to be savaging you today, Dean."

Dean breathed a sigh of relief.

"Instead Gary here is going to make like a banker and inject some extra liquidity into your system."

"Me?" Gary looked alarmed.

"Yes, Gary," Lucifer rolled his eyes, "Otherwise I'm going to make you eat yourself again. Remember? When you didn't eat your arse fast enough, so when you needed the toilet it was back to square one."

"_Buzz-buzz-buzz_," said Castiel in Sam's ear, in what approximated to a bluebottle whispering. _"Buzz-buzz-buzz, buzz-buzz-buzz, buzz-bizz-buzz, buzzy-buzz-buzz, buzz-buzz-buzz, buzzy- buzzy-buzz-buzz, buzz, buzz-buzz-bizz, buzz-buzz-buzzy, buzz-buzz-buzz, buzzy-buzzy-buzzy-buzzy, bizzy-buzzy, buzz-buzz, buzz-buzz_."

"Go on," Sam said.

"_Buzz,_" Castiel continued, "_Buzz-buzz-buzzy, buzz-buzz-buzz, buzz-buzzy-buzz-buzz, buzz, buzzy-buzz, buzz-buzz-buzzy, buzz-buzz-buzz, bizz-buzz-bizz, buzz-buzz-buzz, buzzy-buzz-buzz, buzz-buzz-buzz, buzzy-buzz-buzz, buzzy-buzz-buzz, bizz-buzz-bizz, buzz_."

"So Gary is going to…" Sam said, realising what was going to happen.

"_Buzz_," said Castiel.

"And how can I understand the buzzing?"

"_Buzz-buzz-buzz, buzzy-buzz-buzz_."

"I thought reincarnation didn't happen, so how could I have been a fly in a previous life?"

"_Buzz-buzz-bizz, buzzy-buzz-bizz, buzzy_," Castiel replied.

In reality, Sam wasn't listening. He was worried about Dean – having to endure torture, and what he'd think if Sam said yes to Lucifer to try and stop the torture. In fact, Lucifer would probably kill Dean as soon as Sam said yes. So the only option appeared to be sit tight and watch Dean get tortured. Either that or kill himself by jumping off Mt Everest, but Sam wasn't particularly keen on that option.

Dean, meanwhile, had realised what Lucifer wanted Gary to do to him.

"Ohgod ohgod ohgod," he kept repeating.

"Do you really think that blasphemy is going to bring God down here?" Lucifer sneered, "_Everyone _does it – I don't know anyone who hasn't said 'Jesus' at some point in their lives – even Jesus."

"Yeah," Gary agreed, "You've got to use God's name, the name that is too sacred to utter."

"Jehova?" Sam suggested. It was worth a try, surely.

"Nope," Gary said, "That's His middle name."

"Middle name?" Sam said, curious now, "What's His first name?"

"Don't say it, Gary!" Lucifer screeched.

But it was too late.

"It's Nigel," Gary said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lucifer screamed, "You moron! He'll have heard that!"

But nobody took any notice of him – Dean least of all, because he was laughing too hard.

"_Nigel_?"

"Keep your voice down!" Lucifer squeaked, almost begging.

"No wonder he doesn't want it to be uttered," Dean cackled, "Nigel!"

"He'll hear you – you'll feel his wrath!"

"What? The wrath of _Nigel_? I'm sorry, but I refuse to be frightened of a _Nigel_."

A bolt of lightning _slammed_ into the ground as the sky darkened, more lightning striking the peak as a brilliantly glowing orb descended from the heavens.

"Fuck!" Lucifer said, as the bluebottle fly transformed back into Castiel.

"Sam, Dean," the angel said, "It might be a good idea to cower."


End file.
